


Mistress Kisses

by EmilyweepsforPilfrey



Series: Twissy Oneshots [4]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Bill has a big lesbian crush on Missy, Bill's gay panic over Missy that we all wanted, F/M, Get Bill a girlfriend 2k17, Kissy Twissy, Vault fic, although don't we all?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 01:25:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11347071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyweepsforPilfrey/pseuds/EmilyweepsforPilfrey
Summary: Locked in the vault, Missy sends the Doctor out to run some errands and pick up some things for her. Even after all the thousands of years he's lived and everything he's done, navigating the makeup store proves too much for the Doctor. Bill's help is enlisted.





	Mistress Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this before Bill and Missy met so it is obviously not canon compliant with that scene (although I did draw some inspiration from it). The gay panic was needed, though.

 

"I need you to pick a lipstick."  

 "I’m thinking a nice bold red," Bill retorted sarcastically. "It’ll really pop with your complexion."  

She stood next to the Doctor under fluorescent lights observing a large display of cosmetics.  

 "No, not for me," replied the Doctor. "For a... friend."  

 "Girlfriend?" Bill probed with a grin.  

 "You think just because I’m doing her shopping for her that she’s my girlfriend?" the Doctor said as if the idea was preposterous. He pulled out a comically long list to illustrate his point.  

"Well, yeah?"  

The Doctor couldn't argue with that logic. 

"Okay, so do you know what colour lipstick she wears now?" Bill asked, trying to be helpful. If she was going to help the Doctor find a present for his girlfriend, she wanted to make sure he got the right one.  

"Uh, a kind of lip colour?" 

"Right, a lip colour. Anything more specific than that?" 

"Well, it’s definitely not poisonous. You’ve got to look out for that - poison lipstick - if you’re going to go around kissing girls, Bill." 

"Okay, so lip coloured and not poison," Bill said, pretending like the Doctor didn't just give her snogging advice.   

She collected all the blues, blacks, purples and other colours that weren't natural lip colours.  

"What are you doing with those?" he asked.  

"Well, you said lip coloured. No one has lips this colour," she explained.  

"Don't be silly, Bill, I've met plenty of people with green lips."  

"Is your girlfriend one of those people?"  

"Well, no," he relented. "I suppose I would remember if I was dating a Silurian... I think. That's not the sort of mistake you make twice."  

“What about this one?” 

He took the lipstick and dabbed a bit on the end of his finger, bringing it up to touch to his tongue." 

“No, that’s a River one,” he said immediately   

“How about this one?”  

He only had to look at it to know it was wrong.  

“No. No, that’s Amy.”  

"What about this one?" 

"Too Mel."  

"Then let's try this one."  

"More Sarah Jane than Missy."  

"This one?" 

"Ugh! The Rani! No! Get it away from me!"  

"Okay," Bill said as she put the offending lipstick back, dragging out the end of the word like she was talking to a crazy person (she was).  

Bill picked up lipstick after lipstick, offering them to the Doctor only to have him respond with yet another female name. From the sounds of things, he'd known a lot of girls.   

Eventually, there was only one lipstick left on the shelf. Bill crossed her fingers. _Please_  be the right one.  

She didn't actually dare to believe this might actually be the one, but she couldn't face the thought of going through this whole exercise again at another store... and another and another. With a box that travelled through time and space, there were a lot of makeup stores he could drag her to and an almost infinite number of lipsticks to choose from.  

She picked the lipstick up, took off the cap and twisted it up so he could see the colour.  

"Is this it?" she asked with absolutely no enthusiasm or hope. 

"Yes!" he exclaimed excitedly, taking it from her and reading the name of the colour. " _Mis_ _tress Kisses_. Funny story actually. See the first time I met her, well, this version of her, she kissed me up against a Cyberman tank – long story, it wasn't nearly as dangerous as it sounds... or maybe it was, it's always hard to tell, she's usually the most dangerous thing in the room- anyway, afterwards, she thought it would fun to make them name the lipstick after her, as a reminder of the time we-" he gestured wildly with his hands, looking like a cross between flailing wildly and maybe cupping a boob, Bill thought - "Hence, _Mistress Kisses_." 

Bill stood there in disbelief, just short of letting her jaw drop to the floor. 

"Wait, so you're telling me the lipstick is literally named after your girlfriend and you couldn't even remember which one it was?"  

A look of worry fell across the Doctor's face.  

"Ooh, yeah. Best not mention it to her."  

*** 

"So when can I meet her?" Bill asked as the Doctor was paying for his purchase.  

"Who?"  

"The _girlfriend,_ " Bill replied as if it was obvious, nudging him in the ribs.  

"Missy, oh I don't think that's a good-"  

"Please!" Bill pleaded. "Let me meet her. You've got a girlfriend and I don't. I have to live vicariously through you! Don't deprive me of this."  

The Doctor chuckled. "Shouldn't you be off finding your own girlfriend?"  

"Come on. It's not like I'm going to steal your girlfriend. I mean, I'm sure she's gorgeous -"  

"Oh, you have no idea."  

He spoke with such love and adoration when he talked of her. Subconsciously, as if he wasn't even aware he felt that way.  

"Please just let me meet her."  

"Alright," he finally relented. "But there are rules. Maintain a distance of at least three feet at all times, DON'T do anything she tells you to and no trading embarrassing stories about me."   

"Who is this girlfriend of yours?" Bill asked, more than mildly impressed.  

*** 

"Remember the rules," the Doctor warned her as he began the long process of unlocking the vault.  

"Is this your house?" Bill asked, ignoring his reminder.  

"No. It's her vault."  

"Wait, so you're keeping your girlfriend locked up in a vault? Isn't that a little bit _creepy_ _stalker serial killer boyfriend_?"  

The Doctor was saved from answering as the last lock on the vault was undone and the door swung open.  

"I come bearing gifts and a friend," the Doctor announced. "Bill, this is Mis-" 

Before he could finish the introductions, Missy seemingly came rushing out of nowhere. Lips on his, she pushed him back into the vault door, like an animal mauling its keeper for food as soon as they stepped foot in the enclosure. His arms waved around like a drunk octopus before finally settling on her back.  

Only once she had had her fill did she pull back. No matter how many times she greeted him like this, she would never fail to take his breath away and make his hearts stutter. As she stepped back, he saw she had grabbed a hold of a very shocked Bill's hand.  

"Missy, let go of Bill," he warned. "That's not how we introduce ourselves to people."  

Face falling, she dropped Bill's hand. Bill stood motionless in shock. This time she had allowed her jaw to drop.  

"Oh. Shall I just go back to my cage then, Doctor?" Missy asked.  

"It's probably best," he agreed, willing his hearts to regain their natural beats.  

Missy skipped back to the enclosure in the centre of the room, footsteps light. The forcefield rippled as she stepped through it but provided no actual barrier to stop her passing through.  

The Doctor numbly walked over to one of his usual chairs, dropping down in it. Why did Missy always make him feel like he'd just run a marathon and defeated twelve Dalek armies in the space of less than a minute? She was exhausting but addictive.  

"So, that's Missy," Bill said, moving to stand next to him. It seemed she had finally been released from her internalised gay panic at seeing Missy.  

Missy sat at her piano, playing a light, whimsical melody. She gave the impression that she was completely focused on the song, but the Doctor knew she was putting on a show.  

"That's Missy," the Doctor confirmed.  

"So does she have like a twin or a younger sister or say, hypothetically, if you two ever broke up..." 

"You're not having Missy, Bill."  

"You couldn't handle me," Missy called over to Bill, phrasing it in a way that couldn't sound like anything other than a challenge.  

Bill grinned eagerly, a fact that didn't go unnoticed by the Doctor.  

"Stop it, you two."   

"But what's the point of bringing me friends if I can't play with them?" Missy complained, looking over her shoulder as her melody played on.  

"You can play with me," the Doctor replied innocently, not thinking at all about how his words sounded.  

The piano stopped abruptly and both the women turned to face him. 

Missy stared him down, eyes hungry and ready to pounce.  

"Well, I think that's my cue to leave," Bill announced before hurrying towards the door.  

The door closed with a heavy thunk and it was just in time, judging by the sounds coming from inside the vault.  

Mistress kisses, indeed.  


End file.
